party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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