Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
