When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
