dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
