I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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