i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Less talking, more tequila
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
