mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
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