If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
