i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
