I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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