I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
