He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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