Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
