So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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