yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
