it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
