ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She's the barista slut.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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