She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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