My sheets look like a crime scene.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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