My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
