the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Are we still banned from the library?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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