I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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