i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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