I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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