Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
