i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
