you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
