so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
