We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
