he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
