don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
