If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
