Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I can't turn off my feet"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
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