So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
