it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
