Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
