New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
