Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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