your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
