I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
