i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
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