My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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