i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
