you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
