Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
