my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
