If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
