Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
