Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
