Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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