so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
