well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
