how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
