I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
